The Burns
by GretchenMaurice
Summary: Elphaba is stubborn, witty, intelligent, passionate, and...only human. Pre-relationship Gelphie one-shot. WARNING: Rated for language and, more importantly, themes of self-harm.


**A/N: So this isn't the first fic I've written, but it's the first thing I've ever published. (And no, not everything I write is this dark/angsty.) Enjoy?**

****If you or someone you know is battling self-harm, please, seek help. You are strong. You are loved.****

* * *

Elphaba Thropp wasn't one to have good days, and she had come to accept that fact. But ever since Dr. Dillamond was arrested and dragged off campus, her life had been spiraling down faster than ever.

And today was particularly terrible.

Her first class was history—an ordeal she now despised without the Goat teaching. The new professor taught them less about historical facts and more about current propaganda against the Animals. Elphaba spent every class in the back of the room, her left fist clenched tightly around her pen as she scrawled in her journal, writing arguments to every word the professor said or sometimes jotting down points to research later.

And, as if to simply spite her, the class had been moved all the way across campus.

As she made the long walk from Crage Hall, the green woman wondered what lies Professor Larmeen would tell them today. She missed Dr. Dillamond dearly, and she wished she could talk to him face to face, but she was forced to settle on his journal instead. His research fascinated her, and she stayed awake even later than usual most nights just to keep reading it. But she didn't know what to do next! The Goat was close to a breakthrough—he had said so himself just a couple days before the arrest—but whatever he was about to find, Elphaba was nowhere near it. And the fact that her _new _history professor kept breathing down her neck and hurling bullshit at her made everything worse.

Elphaba's thoughts spun through her head and only made her angrier. She entered the building a minute or so before class began in an even worse mood than usual. Her peers cast her wary glances before scooting further away from her. Elphaba ignored them and began pulling the journal out of her bag.

"No need to get your books out, class." Professor Lameen strode into the room, wearing his usual smirk. "Today's class will be a little more…ah, practical. We—"

He was cut off by the echoing crash of thunder. Half the class jumped, the girls squealing and bringing hands up to their perfect hair and dresses. Lameen scowled and cursed under his breath as the rain began to pound against the roof.

"Well, it would seem that some higher force is protesting our class today. And as I have no other lesson planned…you are all dismissed. Try not to drown." Chuckling at himself, he wandered back to his office and closed the door behind him.

As one, the boys jumped up. Cheering, they ran through the door and out into the storm, shoving each other through the rapidly growing puddles along the sidewalks. Most of the girls followed them with quite less enthusiasm, clinging to each other and pouting about how they would look once they got back inside.

Elphaba leaned against the back wall of the classroom with her eyes closed. Of course. The one time they were dismissed, and it was because of _rain. _If she were in any other class it wouldn't matter, but she couldn't stand being in the same building as Larmeen longer than she had to. So she set her jaw and pushed away from the wall. Maybe she could duck into a nearby building and wait the storm out. Naturally, she had left her cloak in her dorm room.

But when the green girl opened her eyes, she saw that she wasn't the only one lingering in the building. Galinda and Pfannee were hovering by the door, staring with wide eyes and giggling nervously. Elphaba wrapped her jacked more tightly around herself. When the girls still hadn't moved, she made an exasperated sound in the back of her throat. The two friends jumped slightly and looked at her. Pfannee scowled at her, but Galinda smiled slightly.

"It's called _rain,_" Elphaba said slowly, enjoying the daggers coming from Pfannee's eyes. "You know, water falling from the sky? It looks scary, but I promise it's really not." _Easier said than felt, Elphaba._

"We're not _afraid_," Pfannee said indignantly.

"Oh, how silly of me. There must be a _logical _explanation as to why you're hiding in here."

"What about you?" Pfannee shot back at her. "Why are _you _still here?"

"Simple, Miss Pfannee. You're blocking the door."

The rich girl didn't move, but instead stood up straighter and crossed her arms over her chest. "What gives you the right to talk to me like that, _Miss _Elphaba?"

Elphaba rolled her eyes. "I recall not wanting to talk at all. But, as usual, you're going out of your way to make this harder than it needs to be."

"Come on, Pfannee," Galinda said, speaking up for the first time. "Let's just go. We don't want to waste our free period." The blonde put a hand to Pfannee's shoulder, but she was shrugged off.

"No, I'd love to hear our favorite green bitch's reasoning. Tell me, Elphaba. In what world am _I _the one causing trouble?"

"This world. And I don't have time for it." Elphaba tried to step around her, but a manicured hand grabbed her shoulders and shoved her back.

"Pfannee, stop!" Galinda squealed. Elphaba planted her feet, her hands curled into fists, but she froze as Galinda jumped between them. Of course, the green girl could easily punch over her tiny roommate, but something about the blonde made her think that it wasn't quite worth the fight.

Pfannee's eyes narrowed at the sight of the green girl lowering her hands. "Oh no, you coward. You're not just walking away from this one."

Dark eyes flashed beneath her glasses, but Elphaba held her temper. "Believe me, it'll be best for all of us if I do."

Pfannee laughed harshly. "You want what's best for us? Then what are you doing here? If you really cared about anyone, you'd go back to whatever hellhole you crawled out of and never bother us again."

The green girl tensed, and Pfannee grinned before continuing. "Really, Elphaba, what were you thinking when you decided to come to Shiz? You're just as unwelcome here than you are with your family. Or is that why you came in the first place? To get away? Or did they _send _you away?"

"Don't talk about my family." Elphaba's voice was nothing more than a low growl, and it sent shivers up Galinda's spine. If Pfannee had any ounce of sense, she would shut up.

But of course she didn't. "That's it, isn't it? They can't stand you. Are they ashamed? How do they bear to even look at you? You—the wicked green daughter, a disgrace, a constant reminder of whatever sins they committed before you were born."

"Shut up!"

"Pfannee, stop…"

Pfannee glared at the blonde. "Look, just because you took pity on this freak doesn't mean everyone else is going to." She looked back at Elphaba. "But you don't need pity, do you? You've always been alone. Nobody in Oz has ever given a damn about you, and nobody ever will. Not us or Morrible or anyone else at Shiz, and certainly not your father or your dead mother—"

"_Shut up!_"

Elphaba would have destroyed Pfannee before she had ever gotten that far, but one thing stopped her: she was right. Without knowing it—or maybe she did know—Pfannee had just recited nearly all of the green girl's innermost thoughts and fears. Before she knew it, she had shoved past Pfannee and ran out the door.

It was pouring, but she didn't care. She just took off, needing to get away from Pfannee, from the water, maybe even from herself. Elphaba didn't look up again until she was stumbling into her room at Crage Hall. Her lungs screamed in protest and her skin was burning more and more intensely as the rain soaked through her clothes. With a snarl, she tore off her jacket and threw it at the wall before running to the bathroom. Without thinking, she grabbed the first towel within reach—which just happened to be Galinda's—and pressed it to the water that was dripping down her arms.

But Galinda had obviously used the towel this morning, and it was still damp. Elphaba sucked in a breath and jerked back. _Oh, Oz damn it all! _A strangle sound escaped her lips and she buried her face into the towel, welcoming the sting it brought.

For the first time, the green girl realized she was trembling. The words came back to her. _Really, Elphaba, what were you thinking? Wicked green daughter. A disgrace. No one in Oz gives a damn about you. Not your family. Not your mother, dead because of you. Galinda is only just now being friendly, and that's out of pity. How can anyone stand you? Why were you even born? _

Everything swirled in her head, the insults and her own thoughts. She couldn't tell if it was Pfannee's voice she heard or her own, or maybe her father's…

_Snap out of it!_ Elphaba gasped and threw the towel away from her. Immediately she missed the stinging burn on her face. It wasn't enough to leave a mark—thank Oz, she was already enough of a freak—but it still hurt enough to distract her from what had just happened.

What _had _just happened? She completely lost control. She had let Pfannee get to her in a matter of seconds and—maybe even worst of all—she had done nothing to stop it. She _ran away. _Pfannee would never let this go. Elphaba had lost, and now everyone would know. The only advantage she had—her classmates' fear of her—would disappear, and she would be left defenseless.

_Idiot! _she snarled at herself, grabbing Galinda's towel again. She couldn't focus. Oz, she could barely breathe. She was trapped in her mind, screaming insults back and forth to herself. Her hands moved of their own accord, turning on the water and letting it soak into the towel. She left the water running and yanked the fabric back out, clutching it to herself.

Her eyes closed as the burning started. She wrapped the towel around herself and huddled beneath it like a blanket. Her skin prickled and stung. It hurt. She tried to focus on that instead of whatever her mind was screaming at her.

And yet she was still losing control. Elphaba Thropp was _not _weak. She did _not _lose control. Yet here she was on the floor of her bathroom, coughing as she fought back the sobs building in her chest. She couldn't get a grip of her own mind, let alone anything around her. The green girl jumped to her feet. She needed control. More than anything else, she needed _control_.

She didn't remember the idea coming to her. All she knew was that she was suddenly standing in front of the sink, and the water was still running. With a groan, she thrust her wrist into the flow of the water.

_Oz, that fucking hurts! _She jerked away, her eyes wide. But for one brief moment, she had forgotten everything but the pain. She stared, almost marveling at the way her green wrist blistered. She would have to put her burn cream on it later. But right now, she didn't care. She just wanted to forget again. Biting back a sob, she stuck out her arm again, letting the water hit a different place. She held it for as long as she could bear. A tiny whimper escaped her and she screwed her eyes shut.

"Elphaba?"

The green girl gasped and jerked back from the sink, shutting the water off quickly. _Shit shit shit! What was Galinda doing here?_ Elphaba looked desperately around the bathroom, looking for a dry towel and her cream. Her hands trembled as she took care of her burns—both from the rain and from…herself.

She had just burned herself. On _purpose. _Oz, what the hell was the matter with her?

"Elphie…are you in here?"

Elphaba kept her back turned as the blonde entered the bathroom. "Are you…okay?"

"Fine," the green girl answered shortly.

"The rain, it didn't…"

"Just a little. I'm fine, Galinda. Really."

Galinda nodded, even though her roommate was facing away. "I…I'm sorry about what—"

"I don't want to hear it."

"O-okay." Galinda struggled to keep the hurt out of her voice. Of course Elphaba didn't want to hear her apologies. If she really _had _been sorry, she would have stopped Pfannee. Galinda hugged her elbows, cursing her own cowardice. "It's not true, you know."

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does."

"Galinda, you don't know anything more about my family than Pfannee does, so you really can't say if it's true or not."

"I wasn't talking about your family."

Elphaba's head snapped up, but she still didn't turn. "Oh?"

Galinda could just picture her cocking one eyebrow. "I was talking about…I don't think you're a freak, Elphaba."

"But you pity me?"

"No…"

"Isn't that all this is? You hated me, but then you realized I actually have feelings, so you felt bad for me—"

"Elphie, no—"

"—and that's the only reason you've been so nice lately."

"Elphaba—"

"You know, you might as well give up. The nicer you are to me, the worse your friends are going to act. You wouldn't want to disappoint them—"

"Elphaba Thropp would you for once in your life _shut up?_" The blonde froze, too stunned to continue, even though her roommate had indeed stopped talking. Elphaba finally turned to look at her, and Galinda had to bite back a gasp. The green girl was shaking uncontrollably, and even though she kept the towel pressed to her arm, a little bit of burnt flesh stuck out. Galinda shook herself slightly, trying to find her voice. "Please, Elphie, just listen to me. I'm sorry I didn't stand up for you back there. I'm sorry about how Pfannee acts, because I used to act the same exact way."

"Yeah, well, you were never as bad as her," Elphaba said, her eyes darkening as she glared at the floor.

Galinda wanted to protest that it didn't matter, because Pfannee and everyone else would never torment Elphaba so much if it weren't for her. But she just didn't feel like arguing with her roommate. Honestly, the green girl looked like she wouldn't be able to handle it. Something was off about her. Galinda never thought she would see her roommate looking…_vulnerable._

"Elphie, why didn't you hit her?"

Shock caused the green girl to look up again. "Did you _want _me to?"

"Well no, you would have gotten in trouble. I just thought you would. Self-control isn't exactly your thing, you know." Galinda gave her a small smile, but it was not returned. Instead, Elphaba stayed silent. But this didn't seem like her normal brooding. Galinda was starting to get worried. "Elphaba?"

"Why did you come back here? Aren't your friends all in the café or something?"

"I was worried about you."

"Because of the rain? I'm fine."

"You know I wasn't worried about the rain. Elphie, what…sweet Oz, Elphaba!"

The towel had slipped further down Elphaba's arm, revealing the second burn she had made. She jumped at Galinda's exclamation, looking down at the stinging flesh. For a split second, she was entranced by the way the burn stood out—ragged and pink against freakish green—but then she remembered her roommate. Slowly, unwillingly, she raised her eyes to Galinda's, wincing at the look on her face.

"Elphaba," the blonde breathed. "You said it wasn't that bad."

"It wasn't. It-it's not. Don't touch me!" Elphaba leapt to her feet. Galinda's hand stayed in the air between them, but she didn't seem to notice. Tears filled her eyes as she looked up at her roommate.

"Did-did you put your cream on it?" Galinda swallowed hard, trying to keep her voice steady.

"That's what I was doing when you interrupted me," the green girl snapped, turning away.

But something was wrong. The burn was too deep and too _focused _to be from the rain. Galinda's heart started pounding. "Elphie..?" Her voice sounded so small in the space between them. The green girl didn't respond—she didn't even move. The blonde shivered as the thought nagged at her. Elphaba would never…she couldn't…

_But she obviously has. So Ozdamnit, Galinda, stop playing the coward and help your friend. _Somewhere inside of her, Galinda felt a spark. She held onto it gently, letting it warm and steady her. Taking a deep breath, she tried again. "Elphaba…that's not from the rain." She walked in front of her roommate and looked up at her.

The green girl looked away. "What else would it be from?"

The blonde grabbed Elphaba's face and forced their eyes to meet. "Tell me. Now."

"There's nothing to tell!" Elphaba pushed her away and left the bathroom. Galinda shuddered, hating the thought of pissing her roommate off, but she held onto that tiny spark of courage and followed her roommate, grabbing the bottle of burn cream on her way out.

"Obviously there is, and obviously it's something big."

"What makes you think that?"

"Because if it wasn't a big deal, you would have thought of a smooth lie by now."

Elphaba hesitated at that. "I-I told you. It was the rain. I didn't have my cloak, and—"

"You and I both know that's not true." Galinda saw her roommate flinch at her tone, a move quite unlike her. The blonde softened her voice and sat down on the bed next to her. "Elphaba, please. I can't stand seeing you like this."

"_I _can't stand seeing me like this…" Elphaba was going to say more, but her voice shook too much.

Galinda, however, understood. The green girl didn't like feeling vulnerable. Although she was never weak, especially not in the blonde's eyes, she _hated _appearing that way.

"Tell me what happened."

Elphaba closed her eyes, then opened them wide again. "_I _happened, Galinda! I mean, just look at me!" She jumped off the bed and spread her arms out. "I'm _green! _Don't you get it? I didn't hit Pfannee because everything she said was true! I'm a _freak_. I don't belong here, and it was a mistake to even think I could fit in at Shiz. No one cares about me—no, not even my family! I should never have come here. Better yet, I should never have been born! Everyone would be so much happier if—if I—"

And then the blonde couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed Elphaba's arm—the one that wasn't covered in burns—and pulled her onto the bed next to her. No sooner had the green girl landed on the covers that Galinda wrapped her arms around her tightly. Elphaba tensed, but only for a second. As the blonde pulled her closer, Elphaba finally, _finally, _let go.

The green girl was taller than her, but she was bone skinny, and it wasn't that hard for Galinda to pull her onto her lap. She held Elphaba, being careful not to touch the burns on her arm, and she didn't let go. Elphaba sobbed into her shoulder, barely even noticing the burn of her tears. Galinda talked quietly to her, although neither of them would remember what she said. Her hands went to Elphie's hair and pulled it out of its tight braid. Her fingers began to comb through the silky locks, and the green girl let her.

Elphaba's mind drifted away from the moment, sending her back into a memory. She was nine, maybe ten, and she was all alone in her room. But for once, the solitude wasn't comforting. In fact, it pressed down on her. Somewhere in the house, Nessa was sleeping. Her father had just stormed away from the grounds, forcing himself to leave before the argument between him and his eldest daughter got any worse.

Her mother was long gone, every trace of her removed, and although it had been years, the little green girl was still drowning in her guilt. Everything she did was a sin—even breathing. Maybe that's why it was so hard sometimes.

This was one of those times. The young Elphaba was holding something in her hands. A knife. She had swiped it from a drawer in the kitchen, hiding it in her sleeve when her father had come into the room. He had yelled at her. She couldn't remember why—just that something was wrong. Maybe he hadn't even said it was her fault this time, but that didn't matter. It was always her fault. Nessa was her fault. Her mother's death was her fault. Her unnatural skin, her temper, the way she could never get along with anyone—all her fault. Evil, wicked, green child.

And just like that, the knife was against her skin. For a long time, the little girl just stayed like that, the silver blade pressing gently into her ugly green wrist. Elphaba was trembling, swallowing back the tightness in her throat. She wouldn't cry. Crying burned, and that would leave a mark. Then they would know. They wouldn't care, of course, but they would know.

And they would know if she did this, too. With a gasp, she dropped the knife and crawled away from it, hugging her knees to her chest. She wouldn't hurt herself. She was stronger than that. It didn't matter what her father thought about her. Who cared what the other kids said? She wouldn't give them the satisfaction of her pain.

Still shaking, she grabbed the knife and snuck back downstairs to put it away. No one ever found out, and she had never gotten that close again. She had almost forgotten about it…

But now here she was, cradling her burnt arm to her chest and clinging to Galinda. As if sensing that her roommate had come back to reality, Galinda slid out of the embrace. Elphaba hugged herself, feeling as if the temperature had plummeted around her, but then the blonde was back. Her fingers found the green girl's right arm and, with all the gentleness in the world, pulled it toward her.

Galinda tried not to focus on the raw flesh of Elphie's arm. She dipped her fingers into the jar of burn cream and dabbed it on the wound. Her roommate hissed and jerked, but Galinda held her still. Her free hand found Elphaba's and squeezed. The green girl squeezed back, holding on tightly as the pain came again.

Neither girl said a word as Galinda pulled some gauze out of Elphaba's dresser and wrapped the girl's arm. When she finished, Elphaba simply sat there, stroking the edges of the bandages absentmindedly. Without really thinking about it, Galinda moved behind her and resumed her work on the raven hair that tumbled down her green back, still slightly surprised that Elphaba was letting her.

After a long silence, a shaky breath came from the green girl. "Everyone hates me."

"I don't," Galinda said softly. She twisted a long piece of hair between her fingers. "And since when have you cared what other people think?"

"Maybe…maybe they're right."

Galinda sighed. Her hands moved from Elphaba's hair to her shoulders, and she squeezed gently. "You're not evil, Elphaba. The only person you've ever treated badly is yourself."

"You know that's not true. I treated you like shit when we first got here."

"Out of retaliation."

Elphaba stayed silent. Galinda shifted behind her, then moved so that they were facing each other, their knees brushing. "Elphie, can I tell you a secret?"

The green girl looked at her expectantly. Galinda bit the inside of her lip. "I was afraid of you when we first met."

Elphaba's dark eyes remained lifeless. "I know."

"Let me finish. I was afraid when we first met, but not for very long. Oh, I still loathed you. But I quickly found out you were harmless. You didn't really want to hurt anyone, you just didn't want to like them, either. Even way before we actually tried getting along, I figured you weren't a bad person. Just mean.

"And then we got to know each other, and I found out you weren't even mean. But earlier—when I walked in the room and all I could hear was the water running and you sounding like you were in pain—I was afraid all over again. Elphaba, what you did terrified me. What you were _saying _terrified me. I-I'm only just realizing what it's like to have a real friend. And call me selfish all you want but…I-I can't lose you. Especially not like that."

Elphaba stared at her, dark eyes searching her face. Everything the blonde had said was sincere. Somehow, her words dulled the throbbing in her arm. And even more amazing, they calmed down her raging thoughts. "I-I'm sorry, Galinda. I really am. I was scared, too. No, I _am _scared."

"Elphie, I know you hate feeling vulnerable, and you're not used to someone touching you, but…" The blonde leaned forward and hugged Elphaba again, but this time she was the one crying, and Elphaba was holding her.

"Don't you _ever _scare me like that again," Galinda whispered into her shoulder.

"I…"

"Elphaba."

"I…I won't, my sweet." Elphaba's voice was soft and rough, but somehow still steady. "I promise." And then she did something that surprised both of them. She wrapped her arms tighter around Galinda, hugging her so fiercely she thought she'd never let go.

And both girls were just fine with that.


End file.
